...the journey within...

Where do I even start?

I guess...wow! Where have I been.

On my drive home today... I...as I often do, was conversing with myself (in my head)... that's normal right?...when I had the sudden urge to blog.

I thought...I love reading and writing. I said it and chuckled thinking I'm so basic!

That right there, so simple, yet such an amazing feeling.

In order to understand, I'm going to have to do something I normally don't... I'll have to open up. On my best days I'm very private...on my worse...it's impossible to get passed my RBF.

For the better part of the last 5 years I've struggled with severe depression. I've been a shadow of my former self. Internally battling to present as normal and happy while wanting nothing more than to roll up into a ball and never leave my house again. I've felt alone, overwhelmingly sad, disgusted, ashamed, angry, indifferent.

I've tried Lexapro, Trazadone, Zoloft and Wellbutrin in different doses and combinations. Getting better and then all of a sudden being back at square one is infuriatingly frustrating.

Emotional me leads to binge eating me. Or shopaholic me. Impulse control Disorder officially. Tack on Vyvanse to my regiment and I now have to show ID to pick up amphetamines.

After my body decided I would no longer accept Zoloft as my savior I was running out of options. My head doctor decided to try Trintellex, a last resort because it is cost prohibitive and you basically have to jump through lots of insurance loops. I was lucky enough to not have to go through all the hoopla and got the prescription the next day (doc said it could take weeks).

In addition to my new scripts I decided I needed to do more. I was tired of feeling so down and out and obsevering my life from a distance. I was tired of hating the person that I was becoming. Cynical. Pessimistic. Judgemental. Angry. Detached.

My first goal is rebuilding myself from the inside out. Becoming me again. Optimistic. Enthusiastic. Adventurous. Not afraid of being judged. Embracing life and all of it's offerings. Being grateful. Being empathetic. Being compassionate. Walking to the beat of my own drum. Living my life with no regrets.

Somewhere along the road I lost all of that. I intend on restoring myself to me piece by piece.

There are no simple solutions or absolute treatments to make your brain function the way it once did...there have been bumps,  detours and  total rerouting...but I'm on this journey for a reason and I intend to find the path that leads me back to myself.


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